[Kaytoo is waiting for him at the boating docks despite it being at the number one place he'd been avoiding: the beach. He'd still rather Skeets didn't just wander around looking for him, even with his immense amount of black sand on the shores. He can feel some of the small fine grits getting into horrible places, put there by virtue of the wind kicking up a little bit.]
This way.
[He doesn't waste much time, leading Skeets to the mansion to get them inside.]
As a note, everything here is recorded, except for a certain room.
[He just doesn't want others to see him be A Mess, but he's also recording as well , whoops. It's different if he's the one doing it, okay.]
It's elaborate. I'll give it that.
[Once they reach the room, which is very obviously Odin's bedroom, he shuts the door after Skeets. There is still a large, fist-sized hole near the doorframe. It's bigger than a normal human hand size.
[ Kay doesn't actually need to say anything else. Skeets knows what it feels like to be left adrift from your token human. And as far as Kaytoo is concerned, well -- Skeets still remembers December. ]
I'm sorry to hear that, Kaytoo.
[ Skeets floats a bit closer, so he's about an inch away from Kay's shoulder. ]
[Kay doesn't move, but appreciates Skeets coming closer.]
I have never mourned him before. Any time we were apart due to something dangerous happening, and I was unsure of what the outcome would be, I would still refuse to consider that I might need to do that.
On Scarif, where we ran our suicide mission, I realized it truly was going to be the death of us. Even then, I didn't have time to mourn, due to only having ten seconds left before total shut down.
And then we were here.
Now, I am here, and he is not.
[Maybe an explanation wasn't necessary but he wanted to tell it anyway.]
[ Skeets freezes a moment, since Kaytoo hadn't really told him very much about when he was from, exactly, particularly the full implication of the suicide mission.
It hadn't occurred to him.
And the sudden realization that if Kaytoo is ever ported out he may no longer be alive is... new. And in his offhanded way he notes how frightening that is.
He sounds quiet, the panic only just suppressed, when he speaks. He needs to be here for Kaytoo right now, not indulge in his own emotions. ]
I didn't know.
There is a possibility he may return, but regardless I... hope you can take all the time to mourn you need.
[Kay agrees, and takes a seat on the edge of Odin's bed.]
But I don't think I should continue to attach myself on that possibility. I assume you've done the same, but with Booster Gold. You would be pleased if he arrived again, but you are not dependent on his existence.
I -- [ Skeets is surprised. Not by that Kaytoo could accurately assess him, but that it was an accurate assessment. He hadn't even realized when the shift in his perception had changed, but it did. ] You are correct. Early on I was convinced he would arrive in a matter of time. However, now I have a life of my own, though I would still be glad to see him.
There's a certain amount of freedom in that, but the thought is also... [ He considers his own feelings a moment. ] ...oddly sad.
He fidgets with his hands, touching the fingertips together and bending the knuckles.]
I will adapt, as you have. I will have a "life of my own," as much of one I'm allowed.
[Should "fate" not intervene.]
...Even in the face of logic, my loyalty subroutines are having difficulty accepting that Cassian may never return. I don't know how to... 'let go.' How do I...
[He falls quiet. This isn't in his databanks. It also isn't something he can just search online for an answer for.]
[ If he had a heart, this would break it. ] I don't believe even humans have a full grasp on grief. The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it.
[ Even if they hadn't already brought up Booster, he'd be thinking of him now and the absolute wreck Ted Kord's death made of him. Even after he'd (somewhat) accepted Ted's death he didn't seem to know how to process it.
(What will he do if Kaytoo's ever ported out? Will it be his turn to mourn? Will he become possessed by the idea of getting him back, of spending even just a little more time with him again, the way Booster felt about Ted?) ]
["The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it."
Reassuring. But also, accurate. He doesn't recall encountering a grieving organic who 'had themselves together' well. Not at first, at least. This would take time. Or... would it be different, for him?
For an organic, 'pain' fades with time, but why? Does it have to do with replaced cells? An organic mind's tendency to forget? Is pain only 'forgotten' but never truly 'gone'?
What would that mean, for a synthetic mind that doesn't forget? He would never forget Cassian on purpose, and he's already taken measures to ensure his memories are backed up. Will this always feel like this?
[ Skeets stops, going over the backlog of recorded emotions and memories and looking for something he's pretty sure he'd remember, something he'd know. ] In my own world, it was difficult coming to terms with any emotions associated with the deaths of the people I knew, as I was from their future. In some cases I had forewarning, in all cases I knew they would have been dead by my time regardless.
[ It was illogical to mourn for people who were already dead. Which didn't mean he never had a reaction, but that his emotions were muted compared to others. ]
But here, when someone returns to a timeline that they cannot survive, when they might if they remained here, I believe that I would.
[ He is not entirely sure if telling Kaytoo that he'll mourn him if he leaves is particularly comforting. Sometimes he's a bit too honest. ]
[It is comforting, actually. He wants to be missed. There's few people in the Rebellion who knew of him outside of 'that reprogrammed droid' and there's even fewer people who actually cared. With the demise of Rogue One, he doesn't doubt that he was written off more as a supply lost than an individual.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Eventually though, he does, and he tracks down Kaytoo. ]
Kaytoo...?
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This way.
[He doesn't waste much time, leading Skeets to the mansion to get them inside.]
As a note, everything here is recorded, except for a certain room.
[Which is probably where he's leading them.]
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He casually stops when K2 mentions that "certain room". ]
Of course. They didn't pull any stops with this island, did they?
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It's elaborate. I'll give it that.
[Once they reach the room, which is very obviously Odin's bedroom, he shuts the door after Skeets. There is still a large, fist-sized hole near the doorframe. It's bigger than a normal human hand size.
Finally, Kay's shoulders sag. ]
Cassian is gone.
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[ Kay doesn't actually need to say anything else. Skeets knows what it feels like to be left adrift from your token human. And as far as Kaytoo is concerned, well -- Skeets still remembers December. ]
I'm sorry to hear that, Kaytoo.
[ Skeets floats a bit closer, so he's about an inch away from Kay's shoulder. ]
I... know how difficult that must be.
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[Kay doesn't move, but appreciates Skeets coming closer.]
I have never mourned him before. Any time we were apart due to something dangerous happening, and I was unsure of what the outcome would be, I would still refuse to consider that I might need to do that.
On Scarif, where we ran our suicide mission, I realized it truly was going to be the death of us. Even then, I didn't have time to mourn, due to only having ten seconds left before total shut down.
And then we were here.
Now, I am here, and he is not.
[Maybe an explanation wasn't necessary but he wanted to tell it anyway.]
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It hadn't occurred to him.
And the sudden realization that if Kaytoo is ever ported out he may no longer be alive is... new. And in his offhanded way he notes how frightening that is.
He sounds quiet, the panic only just suppressed, when he speaks. He needs to be here for Kaytoo right now, not indulge in his own emotions. ]
I didn't know.
There is a possibility he may return, but regardless I... hope you can take all the time to mourn you need.
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[Kay agrees, and takes a seat on the edge of Odin's bed.]
But I don't think I should continue to attach myself on that possibility. I assume you've done the same, but with Booster Gold. You would be pleased if he arrived again, but you are not dependent on his existence.
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There's a certain amount of freedom in that, but the thought is also... [ He considers his own feelings a moment. ] ...oddly sad.
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[Kay echos, thinking about the words. They fit.
He fidgets with his hands, touching the fingertips together and bending the knuckles.]
I will adapt, as you have. I will have a "life of my own," as much of one I'm allowed.
[Should "fate" not intervene.]
...Even in the face of logic, my loyalty subroutines are having difficulty accepting that Cassian may never return. I don't know how to... 'let go.' How do I...
[He falls quiet. This isn't in his databanks. It also isn't something he can just search online for an answer for.]
Have you ever...?
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I don't believe even humans have a full grasp on grief. The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it.
[ Even if they hadn't already brought up Booster, he'd be thinking of him now and the absolute wreck Ted Kord's death made of him. Even after he'd (somewhat) accepted Ted's death he didn't seem to know how to process it.
(What will he do if Kaytoo's ever ported out? Will it be his turn to mourn? Will he become possessed by the idea of getting him back, of spending even just a little more time with him again, the way Booster felt about Ted?) ]
"Have I ever"?
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Reassuring. But also, accurate. He doesn't recall encountering a grieving organic who 'had themselves together' well. Not at first, at least. This would take time. Or... would it be different, for him?
For an organic, 'pain' fades with time, but why? Does it have to do with replaced cells? An organic mind's tendency to forget? Is pain only 'forgotten' but never truly 'gone'?
What would that mean, for a synthetic mind that doesn't forget? He would never forget Cassian on purpose, and he's already taken measures to ensure his memories are backed up. Will this always feel like this?
Kay looks up to Skeets.]
Have you ever mourned?
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In my own world, it was difficult coming to terms with any emotions associated with the deaths of the people I knew, as I was from their future. In some cases I had forewarning, in all cases I knew they would have been dead by my time regardless.
[ It was illogical to mourn for people who were already dead. Which didn't mean he never had a reaction, but that his emotions were muted compared to others. ]
But here, when someone returns to a timeline that they cannot survive, when they might if they remained here, I believe that I would.
[ He is not entirely sure if telling Kaytoo that he'll mourn him if he leaves is particularly comforting. Sometimes he's a bit too honest. ]
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[It is comforting, actually. He wants to be missed. There's few people in the Rebellion who knew of him outside of 'that reprogrammed droid' and there's even fewer people who actually cared. With the demise of Rogue One, he doesn't doubt that he was written off more as a supply lost than an individual.
Kay holds out a hand.]
Come here, please.