He fidgets with his hands, touching the fingertips together and bending the knuckles.]
I will adapt, as you have. I will have a "life of my own," as much of one I'm allowed.
[Should "fate" not intervene.]
...Even in the face of logic, my loyalty subroutines are having difficulty accepting that Cassian may never return. I don't know how to... 'let go.' How do I...
[He falls quiet. This isn't in his databanks. It also isn't something he can just search online for an answer for.]
[ If he had a heart, this would break it. ] I don't believe even humans have a full grasp on grief. The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it.
[ Even if they hadn't already brought up Booster, he'd be thinking of him now and the absolute wreck Ted Kord's death made of him. Even after he'd (somewhat) accepted Ted's death he didn't seem to know how to process it.
(What will he do if Kaytoo's ever ported out? Will it be his turn to mourn? Will he become possessed by the idea of getting him back, of spending even just a little more time with him again, the way Booster felt about Ted?) ]
["The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it."
Reassuring. But also, accurate. He doesn't recall encountering a grieving organic who 'had themselves together' well. Not at first, at least. This would take time. Or... would it be different, for him?
For an organic, 'pain' fades with time, but why? Does it have to do with replaced cells? An organic mind's tendency to forget? Is pain only 'forgotten' but never truly 'gone'?
What would that mean, for a synthetic mind that doesn't forget? He would never forget Cassian on purpose, and he's already taken measures to ensure his memories are backed up. Will this always feel like this?
[ Skeets stops, going over the backlog of recorded emotions and memories and looking for something he's pretty sure he'd remember, something he'd know. ] In my own world, it was difficult coming to terms with any emotions associated with the deaths of the people I knew, as I was from their future. In some cases I had forewarning, in all cases I knew they would have been dead by my time regardless.
[ It was illogical to mourn for people who were already dead. Which didn't mean he never had a reaction, but that his emotions were muted compared to others. ]
But here, when someone returns to a timeline that they cannot survive, when they might if they remained here, I believe that I would.
[ He is not entirely sure if telling Kaytoo that he'll mourn him if he leaves is particularly comforting. Sometimes he's a bit too honest. ]
[It is comforting, actually. He wants to be missed. There's few people in the Rebellion who knew of him outside of 'that reprogrammed droid' and there's even fewer people who actually cared. With the demise of Rogue One, he doesn't doubt that he was written off more as a supply lost than an individual.
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no subject
[Kay echos, thinking about the words. They fit.
He fidgets with his hands, touching the fingertips together and bending the knuckles.]
I will adapt, as you have. I will have a "life of my own," as much of one I'm allowed.
[Should "fate" not intervene.]
...Even in the face of logic, my loyalty subroutines are having difficulty accepting that Cassian may never return. I don't know how to... 'let go.' How do I...
[He falls quiet. This isn't in his databanks. It also isn't something he can just search online for an answer for.]
Have you ever...?
no subject
I don't believe even humans have a full grasp on grief. The capability to grieve often means you're incapable of handling it.
[ Even if they hadn't already brought up Booster, he'd be thinking of him now and the absolute wreck Ted Kord's death made of him. Even after he'd (somewhat) accepted Ted's death he didn't seem to know how to process it.
(What will he do if Kaytoo's ever ported out? Will it be his turn to mourn? Will he become possessed by the idea of getting him back, of spending even just a little more time with him again, the way Booster felt about Ted?) ]
"Have I ever"?
no subject
Reassuring. But also, accurate. He doesn't recall encountering a grieving organic who 'had themselves together' well. Not at first, at least. This would take time. Or... would it be different, for him?
For an organic, 'pain' fades with time, but why? Does it have to do with replaced cells? An organic mind's tendency to forget? Is pain only 'forgotten' but never truly 'gone'?
What would that mean, for a synthetic mind that doesn't forget? He would never forget Cassian on purpose, and he's already taken measures to ensure his memories are backed up. Will this always feel like this?
Kay looks up to Skeets.]
Have you ever mourned?
no subject
In my own world, it was difficult coming to terms with any emotions associated with the deaths of the people I knew, as I was from their future. In some cases I had forewarning, in all cases I knew they would have been dead by my time regardless.
[ It was illogical to mourn for people who were already dead. Which didn't mean he never had a reaction, but that his emotions were muted compared to others. ]
But here, when someone returns to a timeline that they cannot survive, when they might if they remained here, I believe that I would.
[ He is not entirely sure if telling Kaytoo that he'll mourn him if he leaves is particularly comforting. Sometimes he's a bit too honest. ]
no subject
[It is comforting, actually. He wants to be missed. There's few people in the Rebellion who knew of him outside of 'that reprogrammed droid' and there's even fewer people who actually cared. With the demise of Rogue One, he doesn't doubt that he was written off more as a supply lost than an individual.
Kay holds out a hand.]
Come here, please.